The Rut

17 05 2013

Have you ever been in an unbearable standstill in life?

I think we’ve all been there. Done that.

But during said rut you feel like you will never pull out of it. Whether you were pushed into it by an unexpected death, by rejection from a loved one, or just plain general depression. I know personally I spent a good full year of my life feeling pretty hopeless. I have struggled with anxiety and a side of depression for a long time, over ten years actually. I’m not sure it ever really goes away, you just learn to live with it.

I tried every batch of prescription drugs and therapy there was.

It’s crazy because nothing that serious was happening. Just normal life stuff. Of course everyone has work stress, home stress, but for some reason all of the little things were adding up. A grandmother’s passing, pressure to perform at work, expectations to live up to, etc. It kind of all hit at once and it was too much. That and living literally in the middle of the desert didn’t help things.  When you are depressed you continue to make poor choices and nothing seems to ever go in your favor. Or are you just looking through the telescope backwards?

As it turns out I didn’t really need any medication or therapy…I just needed to clear my head and come back to reality.

When I got back to the U.S. after my time overseas I could see everything so much clearer. I was scheduled to go through six months of training in Florida over the summer, which was perfect timing to bust out my running shoes and get back into fitness.  Running is an amazing tool to really see things in perspective. It’s the freedom, the fact that you made the choice to get out and conquer something, a time to be at peace and think about your day without distractions, so many benefits. Plus, the high from working out lasts a good few hours.

It wasn’t that I was lacking in self esteem, I just needed something to pour my time into that was not destructive.  And for me it was and is physical fitness. I may not be in tip top shape, but taking an hour minimum daily for yourself is something that is desperately important to your overall well-being.  Changing bad habits can take some time. I am not the healthiest of people, but I do believe everything you put into your body can mess with your mood and happiness. MSG for example. All that fast food we are so addicted to.

Among other bad habits and a lifetime of over-stressing and taking shit way to seriously.  These I am still working on. But little by little I have learned that I don’t need medicine to be happy. You can create your own happiness if you try enough new things, a new habit is bound to stick.

There are still times where I feel like I might drown or that I am doing everything wrong. But then I step back and think, “What’s the worst that could happen?” No one is in perilous danger, dying, or in that serious of a bind that we can’t work out of. So brush yo shoulders off and move on.

You can’t please everyone. But you can please yourself once you learn what makes you happy.

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