I might be a predator

13 03 2011

I feel like I’m not the only one on this. Every woman in the world may be a pedophile.

Check it out.

So, every time I’m in the NEX (Navy Exchange), I must, absolutely MUST check out the purses. You never know when they’re going to get a new one in there. It could be JUST the purse that will unfuck your life. JUST the one that will make everything all better. The one that will make a shitty day a good day, the one that will put a smile on your face. The one that your boyfriend buys you to apologize for something shitty he did.

Naturally, you need to have a plan and be prepared so you know which exact purse may be in your future. And hopefully a day sooner than later.

So, when I’m in there perusing the new lot I like to touch all of them, smell them, and bond with them. And I don’t know why they show up on the shelves with thirty pounds of paper waded up inside. Who honestly stuffs their purse that full? No one sane…. I’m pretty sane, pedophileness aside.

So I take it all out and put it over my shoulder like I own it. It needs to look good on that shoulder, you must feel at one with it. I need to put my hand in there and feel around  a bit. Do you feel like you could be mine some day little golden shoulder bag with cute buttons? I donno, there may be a future for us. On this particular day I was in the check-out line watching someone more financially savvy than me put a cute-as-a-button Coachie on lay away. This struck my interest. So I took a second look. It’s from a line or two ago, but of course they are still floating around our store here in the middle east. It was beachy and large, something you could fit a LOT of movie candy in. And I knew at that moment it was time to do research. So I checked out, no sense of waiting in line twice. And I immediately headed over to the Coach racks. Which also happen to line the racks of Dooneys and Marc Jacobs purses. Damn you NEX and your perfectly placed purses. So there I saw her, the stripped beachy coachy that is somewhere in my future. It looks like the one above, but the stripes are vertical, vice horizontal and there is some sequin detail. AND, it’s only $185. I know, hard to believe, a large Coach for under $200. I was shocked myself. I knew then that she was definitely in my future. It’s just a matter of time now, until I have a shitty day or the Mista goes to the doghouse. I vote for the latter.

There’s just something about a purse that gives you that confidence and contentment that women are forever in-search for. You can never out-grow a purse, you can never be to fat for a purse, purses last forever, you can find a purse to match ANYTHING, purses are conversation pieces, purses hold all of your stuff in a handy way over your shoulder. And when that purse says Coach, it’s just so much better.

I just don’t know what it is about you Coach, you just get me. You warm my heart. Like no man, woman, or child ever could. I need you in my life. For now, forever.

I think it’s okay to feel inanimate objects up. If you intend on owning them someday.

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