Like a fool

25 01 2011

When you’re happy like a fool, just let it take you over.

When you’re in a relationship, why is it that it takes drama to make it feel real? Can’t anyone just be together and not have any dramatic situations? Hmmmm?

People always say it’s women that make things complicated and that they are the demanding nit-picky ones, but I am here to tell you dudes that it’s both of us. It takes two to be in a relationship.

I don’t know, when you have something to lose, you have more invested and the relationship seems deeper. Why is that? Maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience but drama always makes everything feel so permanent and serious.

I’ll give you a for instance. So there I was, dating this guy. Well, “dating” really. It wasn’t solidified, nor could he give me confirmation of the relationship. I mean, I don’t need the whole, “I’m your boyfriend, I am here permanently and forever” engraved dog collar, but I do need something. Some sort of statement or notion of exclusivity. Anywho, after about a month, as we were laying in bed we get on the subject of couples. And it comes up that a guy I was hanging out with – strictly friend zone- had tried to kiss me. And I might have thought about it for a second before I pushed him away. Then I got that tickle feeling in the back of my throat that gives you the gagging disgusted reflex. I’m not sure I could have cheated, even if my head wanted me to. Said boyfriend (yes, I had given him the label regardless if he wanted it or not) was silent for a moment, rolled over…and then got up, got dressed and walked out of my house… calm as could be. Of course, I follow him out to his car. He is furious. Punching the car, yelling, uncontrollable and in a state I had never seen before. Which unfortunately reminded me of an ex of mine that got physical on the frequent and had actually made holes in my door and wall, and several light fixtures around the neighborhood. Not one of those butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of memories. Thankfully, said boyfriend waited till he was out of the house to react. Now, from my point of view I am not following nor understanding why he is so angry. Taking into consideration I cannot actually feel what he feels because this is my side of the story, so however he perceived the situation to be is how it factually happened in his mind. I can tell you, that yes I would have been a little confused/angry if I would have been in his shoes. But keep in mind we had only been together (if you can call it that) for three or four months, which is a baby relationship in my book. But there we were arguing in his car for hours. Which led to crying (on my part) and apologizing, and crying some more, and apologizing, etc.

Flash forward 1.5 yrs and we were still dating. I had fallen more deeply than him, and he could never actually bring himself to say that four-letter-word. Even when I had said it numerous times, he just blankly stared back at me. Yes, you can kind of tell how your loved one feels about you, you can definitely get that “he doesn’t really like me” or “he is seriously into me” vibe, but to hear that he loved me just once would have been the greatest moment in our relationship, and thus would have solidified our being. That said, we decided to go our separate ways, each too selfish to sacrifice our life goals. You would think after a year or so it would be safe to say that “L” word. But no, he never did. Maybe it was me, maybe it was that moment a year back with the minor indiscretion. Whatever the case may be, it ended. And it ended in the “hey, let’s not talk for a long time” kind of way, which really turned into a whole lot of questions about my own life course, etc. I was hurt, I was confused, and most of all, the man I thought I was to spend my entire life with, have his children, swap Christmases at the in-laws, share my deepest secrets with, would no longer be in my life. Not even as a friend. Talk about getting your heart ripped from your chest. I’m sick just thinking about it now. I don’t know if you can ever really move on from a relationship like that. I had even told my parents, sister, and close friends that he was the one. THE one. I was even engaged before this moment in time, to another guy and I never had those daydreams about kids and family gatherings, fixing that broken hose outside the house, etc.

Anyway, after he told me that it wasn’t going to work, I promised myself that I would force myself to move on. I am worth way more than that to have someone push me aside like that. I have a lot to offer (insert horn toot) and I will make someone very happy someday. VERY happy. Even after that asshole move, I still think about him a lot.

My point is that no matter how deeply you fall, there is always someone who has more invested. It is not possible to have the same amount of investment or love for someone as they do you. Impossible. Someone always ends up the fool. In this instance I fell, and fell hard. And I did not get any indication in that year and a half that we wouldn’t be together in the end — or that we WOULD end up together. It was like an abyss of nothingness, but it felt good so I assumed that we were moving in the right direction. We talked about getting married, about our future, about kids, everything. But, after a year apart, we finally decided the distance was too much and to call it quits.

Example II. I was seeing a married guy. Okay okay. I know what you are thinking. She deserves whatever this paragraph has for her. Well, place your judgement aside. I actually hated him in the beginning and I’m not sure this is a story that anyone will tolerate, but here goes. We met under unusual circumstances and I could not stand the guy. Then, we get stationed at the same exact base. I know, what luck for me, right. I was dreading him showing up here and having to face him and feel awkward and inferior around him. Just not something you want to deal with when you are at work, around friends, or at all really. It’s like you are the funny guy out of all your friends, and they rely on you for entertainment, and then a new kid shows up who has all the jokes, and you are left there in the mud. Like that feeling.

Anyhow, I see him on base and start hanging out with him. All the time knowing he is married, happy, and a father. As it was, I guess we were so similar that we butt heads at most things, and once we realized it we were fast friends. Eventually, we were more than friends, and to keep this under 10,000 words I will cut to the chase. She finds out. She comes to visit. She gets pregnant. We are over. There I was having fallen for a guy I couldn’t have. In my defense, (I know what you are thinking, here comes another Lifetime movie) he had told me that they were separating and he was leaving her, etc etc. All those lies and whispers that shitty married guys tell their women on the side. And in my state of man-hate from the prior I said what the F and jumped in. Stupidly I thought this was just the thing I needed, something to numb the pain and make me move on from the guy who crushed my heart. I think I always knew in the back of my mind that the married guy would eventually end up back with his wife, and they would move past it, but I never thought it would end like it did, nor did I think I would have serious feelings for him. But, it happened. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic or something.

At the time, it seemed so serious and like we had a future. The entire time I saw it coming. I knew he would leave, I knew he would be with her. But I guess somewhere deep down I believed we would be together. (I know, I’m the chick in the movies.) The fact of the matter is, maybe I just fell so deeply and opened myself up because I knew it wouldn’t work in the end. Because I could get out if I wanted to. And maybe I thought I needed to be punished or something, or I needed something shitty to happen to me to make me rise out of the rut I was in. I don’t know, I think we all secretly long for that companion that we look for it in not-so normal places.

I mean, who has all the secrets to love and relationships? No one. And with each relationship you go about it differently, because you have learned from the previous. So you make choices, decisions, life paths knowing what has worked for you and what has not worked for you. I know I have definitely learned my lesson with the married thing, with cheating, and to be selective with the guys you date. I do not have all the answers and will be continuously learning. But I do feel like I have something now that is worth working on and seeing where it goes. When is it the right time to start opening up? When do you drop the four letter word? How do you know it’s a sure thing? When can you tell them your secrets? Can someone write a book please? Puh-lease.

My point is, why do they say it was better to love and have lost than never lost at all. In my opinion, it is better to keep a close-hold on your heart and be careful who you give it to. It can only take so much. There’s just some things that are worth forgetting altogether.




One response

25 01 2011

‘Love like you’ll never get hurt.’

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: