WTF Weds: Ed 004 Is that a nanner in your pocket?

26 01 2011

WTF!!!! So, there I was at the mini-mart being an obedient girlfriend and picking up some milk for the boy toy. I gather my things, buy my goods…which happened to include a frozen dinner, Tums (you never know), hand sanitizer, and aforementioned skimmed udder juice. I begin meandering my way through base to my jalopy….reach in my backpack side pocket to grab my keys. What do I find? No keys. Just banana. I had bought a banana on the way to work this morning with all intention of being a healthy human being and striving for the healthy lifestyle. In the midst of my deli sammich, lays cheddar crisps..diet coke..nutter butters…swiss cake rolls..and homemade cookies the Momma V sent…fuck. Now that it’s written I feel like an incredibly terrible trying-to-be-on-the-straight-n-arrow by way of healthy living. ANYWAY. So, the ol nanner was left in the bag, which was thrown on the floor, around the office, moved from the table to the floor, carried on my back across base, into the locker room, across base again, slammed in the corner at the front of the mini-mart as I dutifully searched for my pantry items. Flash back to searching for my keys. I stick my hand in my pocket, and to my dismay there are no keys patiently waiting for my grasp and fondle. There was no perfectly ripened banana patiently waiting for my consumption.

Instead, there was a beat up, bent in half, browned and cut. dead. banana. (A moment of silence.) He didn’t even see it comin, the poor guy. 15 hrs later to emerge from his cocoon of what was once a safe place, bruised and broken. Taken advantage of. Sorry about that bud.

But the worse part, is that I had banana guts all over my hands, yuuuck. I tried to insert a little example of what I was dealing with earlier tonight, but when I googled. Dirty old banana some very strange images loaded up…

But do not worry, my keys were safely tucked below the mass of banana guts. In one piece, and still functioning.

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To whom it may concern: I am in love

26 01 2011

The world-wide-web is a dangerous place. (Or the dubbya-dubbya-dubbya as my older, wiser counterparts refer to it). Three short clicks. www.macys.com…. handbags….all. There you go, window shopping at the click of a mouse.

These shits would make my Coach put its straps in between its legs and cry in a dark dark cold and lonely place. Coachies, Dooneys, Guesses, & Nines, I still love you. But a girl’s got dreams. My mom always told me to reach for the sky.

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I’m planning on winning the lottery in the near future, you see. And one of these beauts will be mine. Mark my words. This is a matter of LIFE and DEATH, people.

I can feel the soft leather, and smell the new-bag smell from here. Heart beating faster, and faster. Mmm the love of purses. I don’t thing there’s a woman on this earth who would respond “No, I would NOT like that Marc Jacobs bag!”. Never. Not even possible.

If I don’t have one of these in my life soon. I might just die. Calm down. It’s way healthier that other habits, plus it doesn’t smell bad. (Pre-treated leather…different story)

Now, onto a more realistic world. All things considered, I am willing to wait for one of these fabulous handbags until I accomplish the following:

1. Own a home

2. Have a family

3. Retire

4. Cure cancer

Just a minor list of “to-do’s”. But, after I get those out of the way, Dillard’s, you better be ready for me. Navy Fed, you too.





Well. That was dramatic.

25 01 2011

Hm.

Talk about dirty laundry. Well, now that you know a little more…a lot more.. than you ever wanted to know about me. I can be a little indulgent at times, thanks for bearing with me. Back to sanity.

Couple of movies I forgot to tip my hat to:

Princess Bride

Multiplicity

The Blind Side

Okay, that’s all for now. But apparently the main-man hasn’t see NINE of my must-see movies. WTF I know what we’re doing this weekend!

Onto other news. This weekend is the European Volvo Champion Tournament here in Bahrain. @ The Royal Golf Club. Sounds prrretty legit. I’m excited to see it. I have no idea who the players are, nor do I know jack about golfing. I mean, I’ve been to a course or ten, I’ve played…but never had my own clubs, or the motivation to take lessons or practice. It’s more of a man thing. To be in peace with your sport and time to think..competition. I donno. My ex was suuuper into it. And because of that we stayed at The Cliffs in SC last summer. Tiger Woods’ place where his course is being built. Well, there’s several communities out there already with about seven courses. This joint is serious. To even golf there you have to be a member of “The Cliffs”. And to be a member, you need to own a piece of land there, AND on top of that, membership fees are $75,000. With this economy, who is investing in this I don’t know. I guess the whole “shit economy” doesn’t hit the rich and famous like it does the rest of us. What’s a few thousand here and there… What’s a few 75 thousand here and there. Well, for this kid, that’s a shit ton of monies. ANYWAY, the courses were ay-may-zing, and very difficult. So for rooks like me, prob not the best place to learn how to play. But I will tell you this, I most certainly had the cutest golf outfit there. Matching shoes and hat too. A woman’s gotta look her best.

SO for the tourney this weekend, I will not only be an onlooker, but I’ll be a Marshall. Yes, it needs to be capitalized. I’m important goddamnit! I even get an official “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUT THE F UP” sign. Well, it says “Quiet Please”, but the STFU is implied, and if you are frantically waving it with a sourpuss face, I think they’ll get the drift. Ah, hopefully I won’t need the sign. I intend to follow the crowd that has smiles, and no functioning voice boxes. I should have told them I had a bum leg, then I coulda been a driver, instead of a Marshall (aka keeping the onlookers in check-er). But alas, that would be lying. I just hope it doesn’t rain, doesn’t get too humid/warm out, and that I don’t have to stand for more than 6 hrs. I think a round can be completed in under 6 no matter who you are. And if I have to fight a rowder onlooker and I happen to get a battle wound/black eye, that would be cool. It would make for an awesome story. And it would be a good conversation starter.

We had a briefing for this event last night, i guess there’s 178 Marshalls. I have insider information, since I AM one. Haha. This event will allegedly be in 6 billion households. Maybe it was million..who knows. If I get to be on tv, bad azzz. I told my mom to tune in and look for a chick with blond hair, a white polo, khakis, and cute new nike free-run shoes on. Haha, I think that’s specific enough to spot me out. =)

So long. Farewell.





Like a fool

25 01 2011

When you’re happy like a fool, just let it take you over.

When you’re in a relationship, why is it that it takes drama to make it feel real? Can’t anyone just be together and not have any dramatic situations? Hmmmm?

People always say it’s women that make things complicated and that they are the demanding nit-picky ones, but I am here to tell you dudes that it’s both of us. It takes two to be in a relationship.

I don’t know, when you have something to lose, you have more invested and the relationship seems deeper. Why is that? Maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience but drama always makes everything feel so permanent and serious.

I’ll give you a for instance. So there I was, dating this guy. Well, “dating” really. It wasn’t solidified, nor could he give me confirmation of the relationship. I mean, I don’t need the whole, “I’m your boyfriend, I am here permanently and forever” engraved dog collar, but I do need something. Some sort of statement or notion of exclusivity. Anywho, after about a month, as we were laying in bed we get on the subject of couples. And it comes up that a guy I was hanging out with – strictly friend zone- had tried to kiss me. And I might have thought about it for a second before I pushed him away. Then I got that tickle feeling in the back of my throat that gives you the gagging disgusted reflex. I’m not sure I could have cheated, even if my head wanted me to. Said boyfriend (yes, I had given him the label regardless if he wanted it or not) was silent for a moment, rolled over…and then got up, got dressed and walked out of my house… calm as could be. Of course, I follow him out to his car. He is furious. Punching the car, yelling, uncontrollable and in a state I had never seen before. Which unfortunately reminded me of an ex of mine that got physical on the frequent and had actually made holes in my door and wall, and several light fixtures around the neighborhood. Not one of those butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of memories. Thankfully, said boyfriend waited till he was out of the house to react. Now, from my point of view I am not following nor understanding why he is so angry. Taking into consideration I cannot actually feel what he feels because this is my side of the story, so however he perceived the situation to be is how it factually happened in his mind. I can tell you, that yes I would have been a little confused/angry if I would have been in his shoes. But keep in mind we had only been together (if you can call it that) for three or four months, which is a baby relationship in my book. But there we were arguing in his car for hours. Which led to crying (on my part) and apologizing, and crying some more, and apologizing, etc.

Flash forward 1.5 yrs and we were still dating. I had fallen more deeply than him, and he could never actually bring himself to say that four-letter-word. Even when I had said it numerous times, he just blankly stared back at me. Yes, you can kind of tell how your loved one feels about you, you can definitely get that “he doesn’t really like me” or “he is seriously into me” vibe, but to hear that he loved me just once would have been the greatest moment in our relationship, and thus would have solidified our being. That said, we decided to go our separate ways, each too selfish to sacrifice our life goals. You would think after a year or so it would be safe to say that “L” word. But no, he never did. Maybe it was me, maybe it was that moment a year back with the minor indiscretion. Whatever the case may be, it ended. And it ended in the “hey, let’s not talk for a long time” kind of way, which really turned into a whole lot of questions about my own life course, etc. I was hurt, I was confused, and most of all, the man I thought I was to spend my entire life with, have his children, swap Christmases at the in-laws, share my deepest secrets with, would no longer be in my life. Not even as a friend. Talk about getting your heart ripped from your chest. I’m sick just thinking about it now. I don’t know if you can ever really move on from a relationship like that. I had even told my parents, sister, and close friends that he was the one. THE one. I was even engaged before this moment in time, to another guy and I never had those daydreams about kids and family gatherings, fixing that broken hose outside the house, etc.

Anyway, after he told me that it wasn’t going to work, I promised myself that I would force myself to move on. I am worth way more than that to have someone push me aside like that. I have a lot to offer (insert horn toot) and I will make someone very happy someday. VERY happy. Even after that asshole move, I still think about him a lot.

My point is that no matter how deeply you fall, there is always someone who has more invested. It is not possible to have the same amount of investment or love for someone as they do you. Impossible. Someone always ends up the fool. In this instance I fell, and fell hard. And I did not get any indication in that year and a half that we wouldn’t be together in the end — or that we WOULD end up together. It was like an abyss of nothingness, but it felt good so I assumed that we were moving in the right direction. We talked about getting married, about our future, about kids, everything. But, after a year apart, we finally decided the distance was too much and to call it quits.

Example II. I was seeing a married guy. Okay okay. I know what you are thinking. She deserves whatever this paragraph has for her. Well, place your judgement aside. I actually hated him in the beginning and I’m not sure this is a story that anyone will tolerate, but here goes. We met under unusual circumstances and I could not stand the guy. Then, we get stationed at the same exact base. I know, what luck for me, right. I was dreading him showing up here and having to face him and feel awkward and inferior around him. Just not something you want to deal with when you are at work, around friends, or at all really. It’s like you are the funny guy out of all your friends, and they rely on you for entertainment, and then a new kid shows up who has all the jokes, and you are left there in the mud. Like that feeling.

Anyhow, I see him on base and start hanging out with him. All the time knowing he is married, happy, and a father. As it was, I guess we were so similar that we butt heads at most things, and once we realized it we were fast friends. Eventually, we were more than friends, and to keep this under 10,000 words I will cut to the chase. She finds out. She comes to visit. She gets pregnant. We are over. There I was having fallen for a guy I couldn’t have. In my defense, (I know what you are thinking, here comes another Lifetime movie) he had told me that they were separating and he was leaving her, etc etc. All those lies and whispers that shitty married guys tell their women on the side. And in my state of man-hate from the prior I said what the F and jumped in. Stupidly I thought this was just the thing I needed, something to numb the pain and make me move on from the guy who crushed my heart. I think I always knew in the back of my mind that the married guy would eventually end up back with his wife, and they would move past it, but I never thought it would end like it did, nor did I think I would have serious feelings for him. But, it happened. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic or something.

At the time, it seemed so serious and like we had a future. The entire time I saw it coming. I knew he would leave, I knew he would be with her. But I guess somewhere deep down I believed we would be together. (I know, I’m the chick in the movies.) The fact of the matter is, maybe I just fell so deeply and opened myself up because I knew it wouldn’t work in the end. Because I could get out if I wanted to. And maybe I thought I needed to be punished or something, or I needed something shitty to happen to me to make me rise out of the rut I was in. I don’t know, I think we all secretly long for that companion that we look for it in not-so normal places.

I mean, who has all the secrets to love and relationships? No one. And with each relationship you go about it differently, because you have learned from the previous. So you make choices, decisions, life paths knowing what has worked for you and what has not worked for you. I know I have definitely learned my lesson with the married thing, with cheating, and to be selective with the guys you date. I do not have all the answers and will be continuously learning. But I do feel like I have something now that is worth working on and seeing where it goes. When is it the right time to start opening up? When do you drop the four letter word? How do you know it’s a sure thing? When can you tell them your secrets? Can someone write a book please? Puh-lease.

My point is, why do they say it was better to love and have lost than never lost at all. In my opinion, it is better to keep a close-hold on your heart and be careful who you give it to. It can only take so much. There’s just some things that are worth forgetting altogether.





Must-see movies

22 01 2011

This is my list of movies you have to see before you die as soon as possible:

Clue

What About Bob?

The Money Pit

Sandlot

Inception

Fight Club

Matrix

Psycho

It’s a Wonderful Life

American History X

A League of Their Own

Grease

Dirty Dancing

Dazed and Confused

Milk Money

Pretty in Pink   &    Sixteen Candles

Wild Hearts Can’t be Broken

Shining

The Little Mermaid

The Last Unicorn

The Green Mile

Dragon Heart

Braveheart

Harry Potter. All of them.

The Italian Job

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Fivel Goes West

Monsters INC

Runaway Jury

Shrek

Despicable Me

Pineapple Express

Stand by Me

Pelican Brief

Officer and a Gentleman

The Fugitive

Um, there are several more, but I’m afraid I am a victim of short-term-memory, Mista B likes to call it “selective” memory.

In any case, the above peliculas are the stories that belong near and dear to my heart. Clearly everyone has their own taste in movies, but these I am partial to because during my life, at one time or another they have all touched me in different ways, helped me to grow, helped me through rough times, reminded me that life has so much to hold for me, and that things can always be a lot worse. And, some of them have absolutely nothing to do with my life, but they are just an escape and a reminder of the crazy shit out there. This is dedicated to my seester, the biggest movie nut I have ever met.





Shove it, Contiki.

20 01 2011

This shall be short.

My fingers are calloused from trying to pick up this whole guitar thing. Whugh, no one mentioned that it takes A LONG time to get this down pat. There’s strum patterns, different chords, then learning how to change chords, and do it quickly. And most of all, your left hand fingers get so sore..it feels like when you burn your tongue on hot chocolate, but you have five tongues. And they aren’t tongues they are fingers. Anyway.

So, trying to book a trip for myself and Mista B. We have 19-30th of March off. We were planning on going through Contiki Travels. Mainly because I have heard good things about it and it was on Real World Sydney. They worked for the company giving tours and such. It’s for 18-35 year olds. SOooo we put in for leave and had to reschedule it once already. I called them to day to book the trip, and guess what, cancelled again. Well, Contiki! Forget you. I will just find another tour. How can you just cancel two tours in March..?? And they didn’t even have a reason why..After that frustration, I managed to find another tour that will be splendid. Same countries, same dates but through Globus instead. They don’t have a military discount, but it’ll do pig. The tour is called “Imperial Splendors” and we get to travel to Germany, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Hungary, and Austria. Talk about a whirlwind adventure. And I get to share it with my man. Last time I traveled in Europe I was solo, and as it was enjoyable traveling by myself, and learning a lot of things, I would rather share it with someone, and be able to have those memories forever. I vow to not take 1600 pictures this time. Just a few good ones. I will try and keep it in the hundreds…I will NOT spend my time hiding behind a camera when I can be enjoying the scenery. I’ve never been to eastern Euro before so I’m super excited!! Pics to come, that’s a promise.

Watching the new Bachelor, first episode. My mums tapes them and sends them out here since middle-eastern television is shit. Nothing comes on live, or new. Yes, episodes of Charmed and MTV Arabia, may quench your thirst, but not for this kid. But I have wayy too many shows to be wasting time with that shit. I think we are all aware I am addicted to reality TV and super-cheesy shows like One Tree Hill, Grey’s Anatomy..come on we all have our guilty pleasures. And these are legal. Let’s get back on topic. I am watching this first episode of the Bachelor, and it’s Brad Womack (Round II). I don’t know how I feel about this exactly..it makes me feel like ehhhhh?? Maybe someone else should get a chance at love..why do you have to hog up two seasons. It’s selfish really. If you didn’t find love this time, then what makes you think this time round will stick. ABC probably casted him on purpose, for ratings and all. You either love him or hate him… He seems sweet enough, but he’s going to have to prove his commitment and let go a little. I don’t think these girls are fuckin around. They’re out for blood (well, at least the vampire teeth chick is). This episode that she taped for me has audio, but no video for some reason. But I can’t complain really. I’m using my imagination for this one. And let me tell you, it is all over the place. I know what he looks like, but not any of the …contestants..so to say. So basically I have to base my opinions on personality only. And their hometown stories. I think Emily Maynard is my fave so far. She’s the one whose man died and she was pregnant at the time. She lost the love of her life, but moved on anyway, and raised her daughter. She sounds so genuine and sweet. But women…women women…can change on a dime. Plus, she’s pretty attractive. Even I wouldn’t kick her outa bed.

Does anyone else find those Dyson vacuum cleaner commercials incredibly captivating?? That man is so wise..





WTF Weds: Ed. 003 Werrrrrk

20 01 2011

The following are excerpts from our Shop Quote book. In order to keep anonymity, I will refrain from using names. These are way dirtier without the context of the story, but I believe it is needed.

“I remember Boot Camp, I had to kneel.” Reminiscing about the good-old-days back in Chicago. Pretty sure he was talking about doing urinalysis at the night of arrival to Great Lakes.

“So…Montana is right next to Wisconsin, right?” This was about 5 seconds prior to a re-education of what the midwest is all about…a little geography. Funny story is this girl was taking a Geography class at the time. Things that make you go hmmmm….

“Just like a greased up pig!” No clue what this was in reference too, but it’s creepy. Coming from a guy who’s from Kentucky whose dad is a taxidermist. Weekends consisted of mom slaughtering a pig for dinner out back and daddy gouging the eyes out of animals in order to ‘dermy them. Also, from someone who brought their five-year-old son gator feeshin’. Yup, straight from the horse’s mouth.

Let me preclude this with a little backstory. So there we were, going about a typical day in the shop and a new guy shows up telling us he’s been sent from another building to come train. Not only did we not know who he was, we had no idea we were getting a new analyst. So we get into conversation and a little snooping around and come to find out he was booted from a different shop and sent here because he was a D-bag. Anywho, he would come in and “train” but basically sit at the table and talk all fucking day. ALL DAY. About nothing. Nothing that mattered, and finally someone spoke up and said: “I don’t like banter, work banter I don’t mind. We can talk about work all day. We can talk about work so much I’ll make you so smart your head will explode…” Followed by silence…and then crickets.. Did the trick though.

Male 1: “Yea, we ran the dickens in Boot Camp.” Male 2: ‘Like, Charles Dickens?” M1: “Yeah, ‘Tale of 2 Cities’ is actually about San Diego and Chicago.” Male 3: “Actually, Charles Dickens was a Recruit Division Commander at the time.”             Let’s just say Male #1 went to boot camp when there was a male boot camp (San Diego) and a female boot camp (Chicago)..a lonnnng time ago.

Female 1: “Where is the Great Barrier Reef?” Very High Ranking Senior says from over the cubicle, “In the water.” F1 replies (thinking it was a smart-assy navy guy) : “REALLY? DUMBASS” High Ranking Senior slowly stands up and F1 realizes who it was…Commence jaw drop and blood rush to the face. “Oh shit..”

“I dropped to my knees and said ‘You can choke me, Sir”. In any context this is creepy

Open scene: visiting female analyst (who is married to a minister mind you)  is kneeling in front of her computer diligently working on a report. Male 1: “You know, we have chairs here, several of them.” Fem Analyst: “It’s okay! I like being on my knees.” M1: “Really?” FA: “Yeah (flips blond hair back). Wwwwwait..don’t put that in the quote book.”

“It’s way bigger than I had initially planned. If I wear shorts it sticks out the bottom.” Speaking of her new tattoo =)

…The end.

These are very much so entertaining for the folks who work here or were here for the statement, but I feel like this should be out in the world for all to enjoy.